Being MOM

I was just reading some posts on another website about the woe's of being the mother to a teenage son. The post was started by a mom who has a 16 year old son who is on drugs, won't go to school, and is tearing the family apart. She was talking about how he doesn't respect authority and that when she "asks" him to call home when he's going to "stay out all night", he refuses.



I relate to this mom, since I am a mom of a 16 year old son, myself. I know the love and the whole heart that goes into a son. However, I am afraid, there is where the relating ends.



Parents seem to be struggling so much with their children. They don't understand why they are nonresponsive and why they get into trouble. We are living in a time when teens are in the most danger there has ever been in this world. They are faced with so many problems, peer pressure, temptations, and, overall, an overwhelming life.



I wish I had the answers to parent's problems with their kids...I don't.

I wish I had a sure fire system to correct all the wrongs with kids...I don't.



I know each and every child, teen, is like a snowflake...in that no two are the same. I do, however, believe that as a mom, and a single mom at that, that love is not ALL that is required. If it were, there would be few problems with teenagers. Most mothers love their children with their whole heart and soul. It goes beyond love, though.



We teach a child that it is loved from birth. They feel the security of our presence, nurturing, and handling when they are babies. They continue to know they are loved througout their lives until they get to the age where kids "at school" begin telling stories of their own lives and how horrible they are. By the time the child reaches it's teen years, it has forgotten everything it ever knew. Then you, as a mom, wonder where you went wrong. You have to remember that you gave discipline, tempered with love, when it was appropriate. That you talked about life's lessons, tempered with love, more often than the teen wants to hear.

Now for the part where I stop understanding...

I don't understand parents who say, "my teen just won't do it", or "he tells me no", or "he won't this or that".

First of all, they are not ALLOWED to be in a position to tell the parent no. They aren't grown. They do no cross that boundary, because, as a parent, we have set those boundaries. Parents have children, children don't "have" parents. Parents are "parents" for a reason...because children are children. Parents are suppose to have the common sense to know what is best for the child (not what is easiest for the parent).

Secondly... as parents we are OBLIGATED to raise our children to be productive human beings when they reach their adult stage. We can't raise or train adults, that's why we do it when they are children and "UNDER OUR CONTROL".

Look, parents need to have a little common sense to raise kids. You don't allow a child to take authority over you. You don't allow a child to treat you, the parent, like a second class moron. If you DO allow such behavior, you will be treated accordingly.

With my own son, there have been times when I wanted to "wring his neck", however, that's illegal and not using much sense of any kind. There are,still, so many times when I feel my work is useless and not working. Yet, I get up, dust myself off and get back on...Wait! That sounds like riding a horse. Anyway, you get the idea.

Although I have my moments of despair, not unlike any other parent, I am the mom of a pretty good 16 year old son. He, so far, has not attempted drugs, sex, major rebellion, or suicide. He does push me, but only to the point where he thinks I'll tolerate it. There has never been a man in our home, not his "father" nor any other male. Therefore, the responsibility has been mine...all mine. It's been tough being a mom and to try to represent the best a dad could give...no, I couldn't be a dad, only a representation. It's been terrifying, at times, and there have been times I was beyond my wits end. There is more to raising a son than I could have ever imagined. And there aren't any "real" operating instructions. That would have been nice, because I have always been the kind to read the instructions. Anyway...

As Cody's mom, and only parent, I was determined to do the best I could do. I knew that if I did my best it would have to be good enough. Before I set boundaries for him, I first had to set them for myself. I had to live by my own rules, and some of those I made as I went along and some I had decide just weren't possible.

The first thing I decided, when thinking about what was best for my son, was that I would always be honest with him. Now don't misunderstand me, I don't mean that I would tell him my utmost deepest darkest secrets, keeping in mind he was my son not my best friend. That was hard sometimes since we were the only two in our household and you always seem to need a friend. So, I proceeded,with caution, to be honest with him. I couldn't expect him to be honest with me if I wasn't with him. If I let him hear me lying, how could I expect more from him. If I told him that he could NOT do something, then I gave in and changed my mind...I had lied. So I learned to "think" before giving an answer, then I held my ground. That was so hard, sometimes, because we want our kids to have "better" than we did and to be able to enjoy their lives, but, truth leads to honesty in everything, from stealing, cheating, making excuses, to just "sugar coating" the truth.

I have been firm, moderately strict (by today's standards), but Cody has always known he was loved. He always has known that whatever I did or decided was in his best interest. I let him know I was not perfect, that I make mistakes, but I tried to be the best I could be. I have never done the spanking thing much. After he passed 3 years old, he has gotten 2 "spankings" which I never felt did any good and served to make me feel like the most rotten human on earth. However, he does know the wrath of a mad Mom and has suffered the consequences. There have been times that he felt blessed that I even allowed him to breath oxygen. He's lost tv rights, telephone, computer, video games, and has spent many hours on the living room couch, whileI watched Days of Our Lives or a Hallmark movie for women. As most teenagers, he is not fond of using his room for sleeping purposes only.

I am proud of my son, although, we do still have issues and will continue to do so. But, as I said before, he is, overall, a good kid. He is handsome as can be and plans to go to college. He isn't always respectful to me, for which he soon remembers that he pays a price, but, he is always respectful and considerate to others. He knows I do my best and he knows he is loved beyond belief. So...until the next teenage crisis, I think I've done ok so far.

OH!!! And by the way... he was raised in church, taught the golden rule and the love of God. Folks...this is the REAL key.

Life is not worth living unless you are helping someone else! I've found that when you are down and out, the help of family and/or friends is so appreciated, but, it can make you feel unworthy if not worthless to have to get help...yet, you know they care! Helping someone else ALWAYS makes you feel humbled and better than anything else can.